DEFCON-3 HANGOVER PROTOCOL
Gird your loins, it's hangover season!
One night, a couple months ago, I went out. We had drinks before the thing, a couple drinks after the thing, then we all went out after the going out. I was in that happy vibe-y place where I felt invincible even though I knew full well I was going to wish for sweet, sweet death as soon as I opened my eyes the next morning.
Dear ones, dear reader, my loves: The next morning was indeed real fucking terrible. I invoked my DEFCON-3 HANGOVER PROTOCOL, a thing which I made up and have formalized and perfected over the past couple of years. It’s built on a lifetime of mistakes, trial-and-error, some real science as well as some fuzzy science. I felt fully functional for the rest of the day. I worked, I ran actual errands, I didn’t even nap, and I went to bed at a normal time. As my holiday gift to you, I’m sharing it here.
But first, I realized I didn’t know what DEFCON-3 actually meant. Those youngsters over at the the military do love an acronym! Anyway this is what DEFCON means, and that first paragraph tracks.
The below confirms that 3 is indeed the appropriate level for this protocol. In that first graf substitute “war” for “death.” In the second graf think of “increased readiness posture” as another way of saying “a glass of water ain’t gonna help you now, brother.” I do like Round House, let’s keep that as is, since a bad hangover really is like a kick to the nose bridge.
That last graf above? Think of it this way instead: “DEFCON 3 HANGOVER PROTOCOL primarily [means] [the day can’t be] canceled, [all available brain cells are] ordered to return to their units and preparations [are] made to move [your carcass through the day] if necessary.”
At this point you might be thinking: Or you could just not drink?! And at the point you’re thinking that, I am thinking: Literally shut up.
It’s important to note that this protocol is a Break Glass In Case of Emergency protocol. Oh you had a couple of glasses of wine and woke up with a headache? Hey man, have you thought about just not drinking?! No, this if for those times, these holiday times, where you need professional help but like from a professional who is not medical. Just someone in another profession.
Let’s do this! Prep now! Get your supplies in order! I’ve got a 7-step program for you that will change your life! Maybe! And don’t forget to scroll all the way down for three VERY GOOD holiday playlists!
Step 1: DO NOT LINGER
This is crucial. And it was the mistake I was making most often. You wake up, you feel bad, you fall back asleep, wake up again, linger in bed on your phone, by the time you actually get out of bed that hangover has gelled, honey. It has its hooks in you and it ain’t gonna let go anytime soon. So: The minute you wake up (and feel confident you could actually be getting up for the day) just get the hell out of bed. Do it now.
Step 2: PUT COFFEE ON
Immediately start coffee. For now you only need to brew one cup. As we all know, coffee is a dicey, dicey business with a hangover. Consider this a medicinal dose. Not a coffee drinker? I can’t help you. Tea? What is this, The Crown?
Step 3: EAT SOMETHING SMALLISH AND NON-VOLATILE
This is the most dangerous step. This is the Tom Cruise being lowered down on wires with crossed laser beams-type shit dangerous. Choose wisely. You’re not looking for your typical hangover go-to full meal. No. Nothing greasy. Nothing weird. You need just a little bit of something inoffensive. Think: Saltines, a couple handfuls of dry cereal, half a granola bar. Or half of one of these, a new favorite of mine, regardless of my physical state.
Eating something is crucial for avoiding setting off an extremely unfortunate volcanic physical tornado of regret when it comes to taking Advil and drinking coffee on an empty stomach while hungover. If those things don’t bother you now I’m going to assume you’re young. Because, trust me, when the clock runs out on being able to play with fire you will be the first to know. Your toilet will be second, third, fourth and fifth plus infinity.
Step 4: TAKE ADVIL or EXCEDRIN MIGRAINE
Take 2 or 3 Advil or if you really want to go for it, take Excedrin Migraine. A few years ago I had a weird, and thankfully brief, regular run of migraines and my doctor told me about this over the counter pain reliever. This is also where I learned the whole “don’t wait” thing. She told me that the minute I felt even an inkling of a migraine starting, to act quickly. Wait, am I medical professional now?
Step 5: SLAM COFFEE
Now chug that one cup of coffee. You can put whatever you normally put in it, but once again do not linger. I am a slow drinker and an even slower eater but now I can gulp a single cup of coffee like no one’s business when I need to.
Step 6: SHOWER BATH
I was introduced to shower baths by one of my best friends in college. While this never was and is definitely still not an environmentally sound part of the protocol, it’s essential. Don’t abuse it and don’t overuse it.
It’s simple: Turn the shower on, sit in the shower curled up like a little ball and let the warm, even hot, water beat down on you. Sometimes it feels best to let it just pound down on your head and face. Sometimes it feels better to stretch out and let it beat down on your tum-tum. But either way, sit in there until you feel recognizably normal. Does it feel weird to sit in your shower, like does your bum feel a lil cold and uncomfortable? Buddy, just do it.
Step 7: FREEZING COLD RINSE OR DUNK
BEFORE YOU GET OUT you are going to do what will be the most jarring aspect of this whole protocol but is also absolutely necessary. I sort of stumbled upon this over the past ten years. If I was on a family vacation or camping and woke up with a hangover, I would immediately change into a swimsuit, walk to the nearest body of water, and just fall in face first. I didn’t understand that I was sort of doing a cold plunge thing but I just knew that I always felt better when I got out. This is the same deal.
Stand back up in the shower (do it slowly and hold onto something, the shift from sitting for a while plus hangover plus slippery water is not a great combo, and it’s easy to feel light-headed). Once you’re up, lean your body away from the water and turn it to freezing cold. Not lukewarm, and definitely not comfortable. Stick your WHOLE ENTIRE HEAD IN THERE. Not just your face. Your whole head, your face, the back of your head, your neck, for as long as you can stand it. Yes you’ll be gasping for air! And possibly shouting “oh fuck! oh holy shit!” But it’s like a deep reboot for your entire body and especially your fuzzy head.
If your headache is migraine-level, some common advice is to use ice packs. Coincidentally, when I experienced those migraines a few years ago, I had also dabbled in doing “official” cold plunges in the lake and realized I should try filling my tub with cold water. I won’t lie, it’s excruciating and absolutely devoid of the beauty of doing something like this out in nature. One time I didn’t fill my tub deeply enough and when I tried to stick my head under I instead banged the back of my head on the tub. Very cool. Really helped.
If you do this just get in as fast as you can, dunk your head under, making sure to get your face in there too (you might have to flip yourself over like a helpless fish) and get out. Personally I’d only do this again for an actual migraine. The shower version usually does the trick otherwise.
And that’s it. It might sound like a lot but you should be able to do all of this in under an hour, absolute max. And if you can’t handle that sort of minor time investment to feel alive again, let me ask you something: Have you thought about just not drinking?
OBVIOUS DISCLAIMER
Do not fucking sue me, you Americans. If you’re coming to this newsletter for medical advice then this country is more broken than I thought. This is as close as I get to service journalism so YOU’RE WELCOME. And HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
Ok, time for some playlists! I used to start playing Christmas music as soon as the last slice of pumpkin pie was served on Thanksgiving, but this year I only started last week. I am so off I don’t even know where on is. If you’re anything like me and really need some help getting in the Christmas/holiday/New Year’s spirit, here are three playlists I currently have in constant rotation!
STAY AWESOME HOLIDAY by Luis Calderin, former advisor to Bernie Sanders and current co-owner of Santiago’s in downtown Burlington. I listened to this all day yesterday, so good.
WEIRD CHRISTMAS! by Sam Irby. A perennial favorite!
(MOSTLY) ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY by me. I made this for the last Christmas party we threw at our old house a couple of years ago. And although I very much miss that party I definitely do not miss the stress and all the goddamn work that went into it. This playlist is a mix of holiday music and random party songs and I’ll always remember dancing my ass off until 1 a.m. in our kitchen with my best pals. I could’ve used the DEFCON-3 protocol the next morning, to be quite and perfectly and brutally honest.
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SHOWER BATH is my time-honored tradition when I'm feeilng bad for myself. Laying there and letting the water beat down on me eventually feels so dramatic and self-pitying that the head rush when I stand up is clarifying!
I'm late to the party but did this this morning and WOW! Total game changer. Much better than my usual cure which is lying in bed nauseated trying to sleep while revisiting my flaws and vowing to never drink again. Thanks for restoring my morning to productivity.