Desperate letters home from the men waiting outside dressing rooms

As Sears has fallen, so shall we all

I’ll occasionally be sharing brand new humor or conceptual pieces in this newsletter, and today is that day. But first, a big thank you to Sam Irby for sending 300+ new subscribers my way by recommending this newsletter in her newsletter!

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Desperate letters home from the men waiting outside dressing rooms

Dearest mother,

I am currently stationed on a bench between J.Crew and Gap. It feels I have been here for an eternity but alas it is closer to twenty minutes. Please don’t worry over me. I have brought provisions including a Clif bar, a bottle of Vitamin Water, and a non-challenging book to read but I may find it necessary to brave the food court and Barnes & Noble if this goes on much longer. I fear it will. The one in charge of this mission is relentless. And the ones who will pay the price? Why none other than a handful of innocent young sales associates—practically children!—and your dear loyal son.

I’ve some good news to share however, I’ve met some wonderful fellows on this tour and we have much in common. We are sharing supplies as necessary and are managing to buoy each other’s spirits. Praise be! My bench mate Steve just expressed his disbelief that J.Crew has maintained a foothold here and after several tours of duty I have to say, I agree. Even I can tell their quality can be a little on the uneven side. Additionally, their troops seem to have lost their will to fight this retail war that is without mercy.

Must sign off for now, please write soon. Your loving and devoted son,

James

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Dear Brother,

I thought you should like to know I followed the advice you provided in your last letter dated 3 Dec and when asked, “Does this dress look nice on me? What about in the butt?” I nodded affirmatively to both. Even when I was peppered with follow up questions — designed to get me to weaken and crack — I held fast to my theoretical perception of my mission leader’s hindquarters. I cannot thank you enough for this insight to stay the course, no matter my nagging sense of dishonesty. You are a truly honorable and wise brother. All appreciation to you for cutting this latest tour of duty down by an hour at the minimum.

With kind regards,

Chester

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My dear friend,

Remember when we were mere boys and would mess about on the riverbanks? That feels long ago now, but not nearly as long ago as the first time I tasted an Orange Julius. Can you believe they’re still in business? Neither can I, friend, neither can I.

I am currently hunkered down in a foxhole in the far corner of the food court, trying to watch the game on my phone. But the Wi-Fi here is weak and I am beginning to bloat from the sheer amount of sodium present in the Shanghai Power Bowl with Chicken from California Pizza Kitchen. The wretched humanity! But know I think of you often and our many afternoons after school spent along that trusty old river. Mostly I think of the fresh air and how I have forgotten what that is. Remind me, please, in your next letter.

Your friend,

Dan

Eastfield Mall via MassLive

Mary —

Have arrived for my latest tour.

My car is parked in Blue E-4, should anything happen to me.

Know you haven’t heard from me in some time but should the worst befall me and I never find my way out of here, I want you to know you were my first and one true love. Unless I survive this mission, in which case I will deny everything.

When I was young, I did not properly appreciate your lack of demands to accompany you into these horrid battles. For that, I apologize. You were truly too good for me.

Until we meet again whether that be here on Earth, in heaven, or in that really dead part of the mall between Forever21 and Spencer’s,

Yours,

John

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My sweetest Katherine,

Oh sister, how I know you are concerned for my wellbeing but please believe me when I say, so am I. It is tremendously easy to get lost here and I no longer know what the anchor stores are. They say all is fair in love and retail but it is truly a bloodbath here. As Sears has fallen, so shall we all.

But I write you today with a request. Please, at your earliest convenience, forward a list of your favorite podcasts so I may pass the time without losing my tenuous grip on reality. Day is night here, night is day. There is no weather, no natural light, no sense of time. It’s like Las Vegas without the nudity or fun.

Pray for me, sister,

Bill

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Dear Pop,

Before I get too far into this letter let me say, you were right. I should’ve never doubted your warnings about entering into this territory. It is just as bewildering and terrifying as I thought it might be. It is also punctuated with interminable periods of time when nothing much happens at all. I must stay strong. Who knows how long I will be here and at what cost to my peace of mind? Thankfully there are no Looking For The Perfect Heel That Is Also Not Too High drills today for I do not think I could bear it.

At moments such as these, when I am feeling most desperate, I think of home. Mostly I think of you and Ma and how you had wanted better for me. For instance, a partner who would let me stay home and organize my phonograph records instead of forcing me on another Black Pants Because The Last Ones Weren’t Quite Right mission. This is my fourth tour of duty with this same mission! Please know I think of you both often and wish life could again be as simple as it was when I was a boy. And also that I had free will over how I spent my Saturdays. But as you often said, I have always been a dreamer!

With much love,

Winston

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Special shout to the malls of my youth, Eastfield Mall (#38 on a list of 40 Massachusetts malls ranked from worst to best 🧐) and Holyoke Mall at Ingleside (which used to have this superior logo before “experts” fucked it up with “modern” “terrible” “updates” 🧐). When I was younger I waited with my best friend in her mom’s car while she shopped, listening to AC/DC and laughing our heads off over “Big Balls”. Once I was old enough I worked at both malls, basically funneling my paychecks right back into them. I ate candy or baked potatoes from Wendy’s for just about every meal break, walked around endlessly with my friends looking for cute boys, wished I could afford a leather jacket from Wilsons Leather, bought sweaters for my best friends at Christmas time (not exactly sure how that became a thing but it was), and in general malls were just the greatest good things.

And now I hate malls 10,000%. The ciiiiircle of liiiiiiiiiiiifeeeeeeee

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THINGS I’VE LIKED
• The 2nd half of season 2 of PEN15 (SPOILERS: ‘I’m Feeling the Loss of a 13-Year-Old Perspective’: Maya Erskine and Anna Konkle kill their Pen15 counterparts’ innocence”)
• The Skeleton Twins (NYT review)
• The Lost Daughter (the excellent trailer that just freshly re-traumatized me)
• Reservation Dogs is so good, so funny, I also cried, anyway I can’t wait for season 2. The trailer and “Written and directed by Indigenous people, the show depicts an authentic Indigenous experience without pausing to explain anything to non-native viewers.”
• Only Murders in The Building (trailer)
• The Shrink Next Door which accomplishes the impossible, making you hate Paul Rudd! (trailer)
• Below zero temps are dumb and should be illegal. After 19 years of hard Vermont living these are the only two products that work on my face and hands when the weather is actively trying to kill me. And bonus, they’re not expensive: Weleda Skin Food and Eucerin Advanced Repair Hand Cream. And, hello, this is non-spon because I’m nothing if not 100% dedicated to making no money from my craft.

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BUT YOU SEEMED SO HAPPY is out now. You can find my copywriting and creative direction work here. You can find my writing-writing work here. You can find me on Twitter. You can find me on Instagram. Please do not find me in real life, I’m trapped in the food court.