Everything that went right

A spell to cast out the year

Toward the spring of my freshman year of college, I felt a distinct shirking from my suitemates. I don’t remember now if it was a sense of general avoidance or an obvious cold shoulder, but I finally asked what the hell was going on. The two girls in the room next to mine were sitting on the same bed and exchanged a look. Then the smallest, skinniest, and most personality-plus of the two spoke up and said, “You’re so negative all the time. All you do is complain.”

Honestly? Points for directness and candor. I’d challenge any friend to cut to the chase this hardcore with me today. I remember feeling confused but mostly ashamed. It’s not how I saw myself but given they generously provided me with multiple examples, it was also hard to refute.

It’s been thirty seven years since that freshman year moment. I’ve done a tremendous amount of work to not be a continuous roving cloud of gloom (or, hey, at least use it as material), but I’ll admit that I’m still programmed to default to fault, to look for the cracks, and not the cracks where the light gets in either. I’ve said this before, but it’s a character trait that can make you great at things, like a job, but make you terrible at others, like your life.

At the end of a brutal year like this one, I thought back to that freshman year moment and to my suitemates. I could almost hear her voice carrying forward again: You were so negative. All you did was complain. The people you love most? No one got sick. No one died. And you’re still here, too.

I write to process, that much is probably clear by now. But I’ve decided to close out this hard year by going against my nature. To take a break from looking for the letdowns, the melancholy, the rage, the sorrow, the disappointments, and the shit that just went plain wrong. And instead I’ve combed back through the past 12 months to remember things that went exactly right.

If you’re like me, and can’t seem to extract yourself from the suck hole of 2023, I invite you to do the same. It’s better than any New Year’s resolution because it’s not about what’s to come (and therefore unknowable and uncontrollable), but about what’s already happened. It’s easy to claim the good that’s already here.

Happy New Year, everyone. Let’s hope it’s a good one.

I traveled to St. Croix, Chicago, Los Angeles, NYC, Amsterdam, Montreal, Boston, and Paris. Funny how I’m only realizing now that that’s the most travel I’ve probably ever done in a single year. Funny how something so good got so lost.

I managed to be in 86 degree tropical weather when it was -40 back here in Vermont and trust me when I say I have never had that kind of travel luck in my life. Every bit of travel made me feel whole and more like myself than almost any other action I took, combined. I rediscovered the energy of cities and realized how open my life felt, regardless of which city I was in.

Speaking of energy (😏), I had a second year of incredible sex. I kept learning, and experimenting, and exploring. And talking. I’m pretty sure I can get high just on communication these days. Some partnerships ended, others began, and no matter what anyone tells you there are a lot of men in this world. I mean, look around. They’re quite literally everywhere. Now I’m not saying they’re all winners but then again neither am I. And I’m not saying every choice I made was a good one and that there weren’t a couple minor disasters (there were) but we shall never speak of those again.