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Although I might actually die before Iโm finally and legally divorced, that hasnโt kept me from declaring this summer HOT DIVORCED MOM SUMMER. And although Mrs. Wheeler (above) might not be divorced in Stranger Things, I think we all know which way that train is heading. Choo-Choo! ALL ABOARD FOR SPLITSVILLE!
HDMS came to me just as I snagged a new place to live, a condo with a pool. I havenโt had a pool summer since the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college. So, letโs just say itโs been a little while. I wrote about that summer in the essay โTeenage Dirtbagโ in BUT YOU SEEMED SO HAPPY. It was the porn shop summer, the tanning every day summer, the reading magazines and listening to The Cars summer.
And although that summer proved that I could definitely be a pool person, I never wanted to be a condo person. And thatโs because condo = divorce because thatโs where my Dad had briefly lived, one of the times my parents separated. So condo = bROKeN hOmE. Condo = so much brown. Condo = spider ferns. Condo = Sad Dad with the Vietnam vet roommate and weird vibes all around. Condo = absolute fucking existential despair. In conclusion, condo = I never want to live in a condo when I grow up because that will mean I failed. I never want to live in a condo because thatโs where the divorced people go.
Well, bitch, GUESS WHOโS ABOUT TO BE LIVINโ IN A CONDO NOW.
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