QUIZ: Are you getting a tattoo or having sex with someone new for the first time?
THE ANSWER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU
Hello to all the new readers and subscribers who found me thanks to (apparently) BIG DIVORCE FEBRUARY! When I was getting ready to launch my second book BUT YOU SEEMED SO HAPPY, I kept joking it’d be easy since “divorce is trending” and while I was absolutely right, I was also absolutely three years off. Ah well.
Anyway, before then, I focused more on humor writing. You can find the vast majority of my humor pieces on McSweeney’s and The New Yorker. It’s no longer my focus but every once in a while I’ll pop a new humor piece on here, to give us all a break from existing. Let’s have a great alone-but-not-lonely March, people!
ARE YOU GETTING A TATTOO OR HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE NEW FOR THE FIRST TIME?
1. Delighted by all the new takes on the classics
2. Awkwardly trying to figure out what position to get into
3. Being asked “are you ready?”
4. Music pretty much making or breaking the experience
5. Tentative hot tub encouragement?
6. “Well, that’s gonna leave a mark” (shared knowing laughter)
7. How well do you really know this person?
8. Grateful for something absorbent beneath you
9. It’s bigger than you had pictured it in your head
10. Stuffing down imposter syndrome
11. Taking a few photos during
12. Always forget about all the oozing
13. Learning more about your body than you ever dreamed possible
14. Strangers wandering over to see how it’s going
15. Ruminating on the fine line between pleasure and pain
16. Being asked if you need a break to get up and walk around or stretch
17. Took way longer than you expected to finish (disappointed)
18. Adding a naked lady wasn’t what you had in mind but you’re surprisingly open to it
19. “Well, that’s gonna leave a mark” (you are laughing quite alone)
20. Learning more about your body than you ever wanted to know
21. “Oops” = not really something you want to hear
22. Took way longer than you expected to finish (elated)
23. Never doing that again
24. Strong hot tub discouragement!
25. Whatever you end up doing, it’s not nearly as edgy as you think it is
26. Taking a bunch of photos afterward
27. Wondering how different aftercare is gonna be with this guy versus the last one
28. Thinking about how you could really go for a big sandwich when this is done
29. Sidling up to friends the next day and saying, “notice anything different??”
30. Spending the next couple of weeks on high alert for infection
31. Going on and on about it later, as if you’re the first person who’s ever done it
32. Can’t wait to do that again
33. “What does it mean?”
………………………………………………………………………………..
GETTING A TATTOO: 3, 14, 16, 17, 19, 24
HAVING SEX: 5, 22
BOTH: 1, 2, 4, 7, 8, 10, 12, 21, 25, 28, 29, 31, 33
BOTH (best case scenario): 9, 13, 32
BOTH (worst case scenario): 20, 23, 30
BOTH (no judgment): 6, 11, 15, 18, 26, 27
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From the archive, one year ago. This piece is partially humor, partially a how-to, and was all the way cut from my second book!
You can find my books here. You can find more of my writing here. You can find me over on Instagram. NEXT WEEK YOU MIGHT FIND ME IN LOS ANGELES.
Just got my very first (tattoo, that is) and feeling sorta badass for an old bitch 💪
Aaah! So right. Of course, I've only done one of these things lately, and I'll add that making a date in the future adds to the pleasure (with anticipation).