Turns out normal life is exhausting
Bon voyage to whatever all *that* was I guess
I had to look at my calendar to figure out how long I’ve been back to “normal life” and somehow it’s been … 3-1/2 weeks. It feels like it should be both much longer and much shorter but either way my takeaway is whoa, whoa, absolute goddamn whoa. Which is frustrating and confusing! Because every single social plan I’ve had during that time could reasonably be considered as close to perfect as it gets — a lot of joy, a little crying (the good kind), delicious food, tasty drinks, incredible settings, decent if not outright fantastic weather, no next day “oh god what did I say ??” (unusual for me even pre-pandemic) or “what was I wearing??” (ok actually there’s been a little of that), and all of the togetherness and getting-out-of-my-house-ness I’ve longed for — and yet.
Whether it was a late night bender or a morning cup of coffee I’ve felt absolutely and utterly exhausted afterward which is in such stark contrast to how engaged, happy, and energized I’ve felt during those actual plans. More than once I’ve been catatonic hours (or even minutes) later from my brain having to navigate, well, everything. More than once I realized I had a sore throat and out of habit freaked out that I had Covid (even though I’m fully vaxed-yet-not-so-waxed), then realized it was just from talking so much LOL. It’s dumb. Shouldn’t this all be, like, easy?
I’ve been trying to pick apart what I think I’m struggling with and this is where I’ve landed:
THE PAUSE WAS A PROBLEM SOLVER
Although you’ll never catch me being nostalgic for a global pandemic or lockdown because I’m not a fucking idiot, I’m realizing I do miss the sense of universal pause. The world stopped and my anxiety or restlessness over what came next for everything — my next job, next book, next house, next everything — stopped indefinitely. I felt like I had figured out so many aspects of my life WITHIN that pause and I felt good about where I had landed, across the board. But now it feels like everyone’s off and running in every direction, doing, doing, doing, planning, planning, planning, and it sort of feels like I should be, too? I’ve been feeling intense pressure to take action and start making decisions! Even though I actually have no pressing reasons to take action or make decisions! Somewhat related …
I’M NOT INTERESTED IN QUALIFYING FOR THE BUSY OLYMPICS
About a month or so ago my kids and I ended up down a deep rabbit hole of old photos and videos on my phone. And what struck me more than anything was holy absolute shit we used to do so many things! All the time! Life had somewhat s-l-o-w-e-d down in the years before the pandemic, mostly because my kids were getting older and I was getting lazier. But I’m realizing now I don’t want to go back to being even moderately busy. I want to see people who don’t live in my house maybe once a week, max. Travel? Are you serious? Arrive 2-3 hours early to the airport? Fuck you, you arrive 2-3 hours early to the airport. Which leads me to …
THIS IS THE OTHER SIDE, AND JUST AS FAST
I exchange voice memos with a great friend almost every day and we’ve batted these “holy crap I’m so exhausted” messages back and forth for weeks (3 to be exact). She’s listened to me try to work my way through my sense of feeling unmoored but also happy but also exhausted but also so excited to have a life again. Last Friday she hit me back with something that put all of this in perfect perspective. She had scrolled back through our voice memo exchanges from March 2020 and mixed in were brief texts back and forth as companies closed then universities closed then our kids’ schools closed. Every update, every sort of OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING captured how the world shut down in a matter of days then hours. And now? Guess what? It’s the same damn thing — but in reverse. Everything opening all at the same time, all the plans being made all at the same time, concerts and dinner parties and eating in restaurants and planning trips and going to parties. Did anyone really think it would all happen this fast? The difference this time around is we’re supposed to feel 100% uncomplicated joy about it all. Just like we were supposed to feel 100% terribly about everything shutting down and our calendars being wiped clean. And that all leads me to …
LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THIS (plus) THAT
I keep coming across this idea over and over again. From friends, from therapists, on podcasts, in articles. That instead of clinging to the idea that life must be This OR That, accepting that life is often This AND That. I can feel grateful AND exhausted. Life can feel like a lot right now AND still be so packed with simple moments of joy I feel I could crack wide open. The future can feel uncertain AND that’s just the way life actually is all the time — did we not just learn that?? This construct, this idea, has brought me such relief. I want to be very much YAY SCIENCE and HOLY SHIT NORMAL LIFE IS A LOT.
It is a luxury, without a doubt, to have “deal with my dumb non-emergency feelings” at the top of my worry list. But as I’ve learned throughout the pandemic, we’re all dealing with whatever we’re dealing with. I can’t be anyone else in these moments and no one’s cornered the market on feeling their feelings.
I hope as things open up more and more you are each finding the ways in which it feels ok to be in the world again. NONE OF US HAVE TO DO ALL THE THINGS RIGHT AWAY, IT IS ACTUALLY NOT A REQUIREMENT. I’m relieved I didn’t plan any travel for this summer (I have been tempted! I have Googled! I have attempted BOOK NOW!). Staying in Vermont last summer was a gift, on so many levels, and every time I remember that I don’t need to get on a plane or do a road trip or any of the dozens of things I wanted so desperately to do last summer, I feel relieved. I mostly just want to spend this summer not being scared to death. That’s where I’ve set the bar. How about you?
P.S. The photos throughout this newsletter are just a fraction of the photos I’ve taken over the past three weeks. Play performances! Birthday celebrations! Real hugs! A weekend away! Long walks! A late night bender! My first dip in the lake! A choral concert! A band concert! A dinner party! My first coffee at the last place I wrote before lockdown — and the outdoor speakers were playing “Lovely Day” by Bill Withers, a bit on the nose tbh! Then coffee with three different friends! It was all so obscenely wonderful AND so friggin exhaustinggggggggggggg haha.
NEW FROM ME
You can preorder a SIGNED AND PERSONALIZED copy of BUT YOU SEEMED SO HAPPY from Phoenix Books here in Vermont! Most (if not all) of my events in October will be virtual so this might be one of the only ways you can get one! Maybe! (And if you’ve already preordered you can just call or email Phoenix Books in Burlington and let them know what you’d like inscribed). Preorder here.
THINGS FROM ELSEWHERE
• HOLY SHITBALLS, THIS PIECE: “It’s not their job to buy you cake” in NeimanLab. I mean, every line of this thing is fiery magic and all articles about wOrK CuLtUrE going forward should include some version of this: “What should ‘doing well’ over the last year even mean? Arguably, it could mean you didn’t die of Covid.” and “Working remotely for the last year has revealed just how much of office culture is accidental, arbitrary, and sexist.”
• THIS NEWSLETTER BUT BETTER: Read a better written version of what I’m trying to say here: “I’m Not Scared to Reenter Society. I’m Just Not Sure I Want To.” in The Atlantic.
• FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TRUE: This one totally hit the spot. From McSweeney’s “What to Expect at the Upcoming Big Gathering of People in Your Neighborhood” by Jamie Allen. There are so many great lines in this thing but for some reason my favorite is “The doing sucks!” hahahah wheeeeee
• SPECIAL EDUCATION x THE FAR SIDE: With the school year winding down (or already done) I realized I’ve been meaning to share this for months! This is just fantastic, if you’ve ever had anything to do with special education this is a must-read/must-listen: “A Comics Collection Of The 'Absurdities & Realities of Special Education’” on VPR.
• PURE AWESOMENESS. Another perfect school-year-ender. And after having spent last summer going through my old journals I have a new level of appreciation for what a mindblower this must’ve been for the recipients. “A retired teacher tracks down dozens of students across Canada to return their childhood diaries” on CNN 😭
• ARCHITECT TO THE STARS. If you’ve never heard of Paul R. Williams (and I have to admit, even having lived in LA I hadn’t but I was also a dumbass back then and def didn’t care about buildings!) it’s time to get up to speed. “As the first certified African American architect to work on the West Coast, Paul Revere Williams made a massive mark on Southern California, designing nearly 3,000 buildings, including in neighborhoods he wasn’t allowed to live in at the time.” I cannot recommend this documentary enough — it’s only an hour long and you can stream it for free here! Just fascinating.
• SOMETHING TO CHEER YOU UP. “No, People Are Not Returning Pandemic Dogs in Droves” in The New York Times.
• LESSONS FROM A LITERARY AGENT. Definitely need to remember this one: “No one is being successful AT you.” 😬🥸 Read the whole thing here: “15 Years is a Long Time: What I've Learned After Almost a Third of My Life in Publishing” by Kate McKean.
• EYE CANDY: I will never ever get tired of looking at Louis Armstrong’s kitchen (yes you read that right) or Tom Ford’s runway shows for Gucci ‘95/’96 (dear god do yourself a favor and watch the video at this link then follow it over to YouTube and watch the other three 🔥🔥🔥)
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Please do not find me in real life, as previously stated it’s friggin exhausting.